YOU ARE A NURSE IF...

YOU ARE A NURSE IF...

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.

You plan your dinner break whilst lavaging an overdose patient.

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group.

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

Your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign a self discharge form so you don't have to deal with them any longer.

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis.

You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet isn't it".

You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when it is even remotely calm.

You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store.

You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide ... Doing It Right".

You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine.

You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".

You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

You think that caffeine should be available in I/V form.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.

You play poker by betting ectopics on ECG strips.

You want the lab to perform a "dumb shit profile".

You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control.

You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset.

Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 hours / days / weeks / months / years)?".

You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.

Your idea of gambling is an blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool.

You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm ... until you get one you DO recognize.

You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project.

You have ever referred to someone's death as a 'transfer to part 3 accomodation'.

You can identify what kind of diarrhea it is just by the smell.

You will never name a daughter "Melena" or anything along those lines.. and laugh to yourself every time you hear someone by that name

You call subcutaneous emphysema "Rice Krispies".

Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard.
You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.
You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine
You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

You see stress as a normal way of life.

You have a tendency to laugh at your patient's "big" problems.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
Everything only happens all at once.


You've ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.


If you believe if a patient who has a catheter ---he needs it.

Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they piss you off.
When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

When called for orders, the MD says, "Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do."

You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.


Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I've never had sex"

You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."


You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You've ever thought, "As long as he's got a pulse, I don't care about the rhythm".


You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

Your most common assessment question at 2 am is "Why is this an emergency now?"

You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis


You believe a good tape job will fix anything
You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"

You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!"

You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol

You can think of another 200 examples of "You Might Be a Nurse If..."